Decline

Something just isn’t quite right. I brought it up a while ago, I’m not exactly buying into the reason I was given. Every relationship has its ups and downs. This one seems to be lasting a long time. It appears our sex life is dwindling.

This has me questioning everything. I hide my insecurities for the most part. This slump is bringing them up at a rapid pace. So much of my being is quite convinced that it’s me. Although I am not at all a big girl as you can see in the images to the right, I’m pretty positive that I am the biggest girl Mr. Sabi has ever dated. This sends waves of mild depression through me.

I wonder if I am not making enough of an effort. This is quite an adjustment for me as I am not used to being the aggressor. I am accustomed to frequent sexual advances made by the male partner. He’s not doing that much at all. I’d say we’re down to once or twice a week including what I start and/or encourage. Previously this would have been fine with me, or less even. Now and with him, it’s just not enough. My cravings and desire are for much more.

I get really discouraged. My attentions have never been refused, ignored or brushed off before. With Mr. Sabi I’m losing all of my slim found confidence. It takes me a while but when I do make the first attempt or suggestion I feel there’s about an 80% chance that I will get rejected. It’s a hard blow to my fragile state. It leaves me with a bitter taste and even more confused. So it takes me even longer to try the next time. The higher degree of subtly I use with each consecutive try is probably less likely to work, I am trying to protect myself. If I am refused then, it wasn’t much exertion so it doesn’t make it that bad right?

Some of my inner thoughts want me to believe that age has something to do with it. He is a bit older than me however I think it’s more him than his age. I know men much older than he is who are forever ready and willing to have sex seemingly all of the time.

This has caused a downward spiral. I want to explore more and turn into the sexual creature I know is lurking deep within. The feeling of rejection is just smothering it though, pushing it back into the depths it was once hiding. I also have to wonder if this is making him bored.

If he is bored, he should say something. This does not seem like an action he would take. So I am here wondering, concerned and confused. I’m trying to keep my spirits up and hope it will turn around. Pick myself up when I feel like I’m thrown to the ground. Did we just move too fast, too soon? The answer is elusive. For perhaps two months this has been going on. It’s not getting any better. I will bring it up again, however sure that I’ll just get the same answer/excuse I did last time.

It happened again tonight. He saw I was displeased by his rejection when he chose work over me, when asking him to sit down so that I may ‘molest’ him for 10 minutes. Work is fine, I want him to work. He is working with an easy deadline though and it wasn’t too much of a request. It was blatantly his desire to work rather than to get closer to me. As soon as he saw I wasn’t pleased and goodness I didn’t mean to let it show so much, he tried to make up for it by grabbing hold of me and saying he wanted to spend more then ten minutes. Alas I think he just wanted more then 600 seconds away from me. It's not easy to admit even on here. Maybe it's a taste of my own medicine from relationships past. This is a dreary conundrum.

Oh bother.

I figure I’ll just lock myself snug in the bedroom and use my little purple toy tonight. Or maybe I'll just go to sleep.