Decline

Something just isn’t quite right. I brought it up a while ago, I’m not exactly buying into the reason I was given. Every relationship has its ups and downs. This one seems to be lasting a long time. It appears our sex life is dwindling.

This has me questioning everything. I hide my insecurities for the most part. This slump is bringing them up at a rapid pace. So much of my being is quite convinced that it’s me. Although I am not at all a big girl as you can see in the images to the right, I’m pretty positive that I am the biggest girl Mr. Sabi has ever dated. This sends waves of mild depression through me.

I wonder if I am not making enough of an effort. This is quite an adjustment for me as I am not used to being the aggressor. I am accustomed to frequent sexual advances made by the male partner. He’s not doing that much at all. I’d say we’re down to once or twice a week including what I start and/or encourage. Previously this would have been fine with me, or less even. Now and with him, it’s just not enough. My cravings and desire are for much more.

I get really discouraged. My attentions have never been refused, ignored or brushed off before. With Mr. Sabi I’m losing all of my slim found confidence. It takes me a while but when I do make the first attempt or suggestion I feel there’s about an 80% chance that I will get rejected. It’s a hard blow to my fragile state. It leaves me with a bitter taste and even more confused. So it takes me even longer to try the next time. The higher degree of subtly I use with each consecutive try is probably less likely to work, I am trying to protect myself. If I am refused then, it wasn’t much exertion so it doesn’t make it that bad right?

Some of my inner thoughts want me to believe that age has something to do with it. He is a bit older than me however I think it’s more him than his age. I know men much older than he is who are forever ready and willing to have sex seemingly all of the time.

This has caused a downward spiral. I want to explore more and turn into the sexual creature I know is lurking deep within. The feeling of rejection is just smothering it though, pushing it back into the depths it was once hiding. I also have to wonder if this is making him bored.

If he is bored, he should say something. This does not seem like an action he would take. So I am here wondering, concerned and confused. I’m trying to keep my spirits up and hope it will turn around. Pick myself up when I feel like I’m thrown to the ground. Did we just move too fast, too soon? The answer is elusive. For perhaps two months this has been going on. It’s not getting any better. I will bring it up again, however sure that I’ll just get the same answer/excuse I did last time.

It happened again tonight. He saw I was displeased by his rejection when he chose work over me, when asking him to sit down so that I may ‘molest’ him for 10 minutes. Work is fine, I want him to work. He is working with an easy deadline though and it wasn’t too much of a request. It was blatantly his desire to work rather than to get closer to me. As soon as he saw I wasn’t pleased and goodness I didn’t mean to let it show so much, he tried to make up for it by grabbing hold of me and saying he wanted to spend more then ten minutes. Alas I think he just wanted more then 600 seconds away from me. It's not easy to admit even on here. Maybe it's a taste of my own medicine from relationships past. This is a dreary conundrum.

Oh bother.

I figure I’ll just lock myself snug in the bedroom and use my little purple toy tonight. Or maybe I'll just go to sleep.

Orders

I am happy to say that it has nothing to do with ordering a quad-bajuggle size anything from a fast food joint. Prince Alarming has a new nick name, I shall now refer to him as Sabi. My apologies in advance for changing it up and potentially confusing anyone. However I believe it's early enough on that I can pull it off.

So Mr. Sabi was away for a week on business. I'm perfectly happy and content with this, when he's gone I can get a lot done, I feel wonderful, in charge of everything that has to do with life and taking on chores and anything left undone. I probably even walk around a bit differently feeling somewhat like wonder-woman. I can do it all! Lovely that!

We talk a bit, probably not as much as we could while he's away but I'm fine with that as well. I am still very much my own person I will not wilt and wither away if I don't hear his voice sending vibrations through my ear each day.

During one of our chats we got into the usual "I wanna see you." ... "I want to do dirty, awful things to you." When suddenly, his words made my mind absolutely sing. Normally it wouldn't stand out. However this theme has been growing so much in my brain that it really took on a life of its own.

"When I get back home I want you wearing a skirt without any panties." and my reply? It was pretty rich, like, "Oh yeah?" trying to hide the smile in my voice. He confirms it and despite feeling all butterfly-tingling-school-girl-giddy, I play it off like a cool cucumber, "Oh really, well, we'll see!" I said as every cell in my body screamed, "Yes! Of course!" Don't ask me why I acted so chill about it. I suppose most of me doesn't want him to see that I'm so easy to control when it comes to sex.

This is the first time I've gotten such 'orders' over the phone. I'm quite positive it wasn't such a big deal to him, in fact I bet Mr. Sabi has forgotten about it already. I will remember it for a very long time though. It was the turning point, the moment when he could have asked me for anything and I would have done it with a smile!