Up Up and Away - From Him

Business, motivation and other factors have induced the hiatus. It has, since the last post, been quite a roller coaster, good and bad. Once/if readership grows I will make a point to post regularly but right now it’s not so important.

Change and consistency make up the previous months. Dear Zade is still Unsated. This blog allows me to concur that in some of the respects it’s a siren for a lack of progress. This is highly discouraging as I rather enjoy growing and improving over time. I’ll start with the negatives first then end on a better note to encourage an upward trend. Revisiting this certainly kicks me into third gear in wanting to fix this once and for all.

What hasn’t changed is that I still feel many of my advances for sex are pushed to the back burner or forgotten completely. My encouragements remain subtle though. Just when I feel more confident and I’m about to ramp up my actions, something happens, probably unintentional and I’m promptly knocked off my throne and into emotional mud. The last event happened perhaps Tues, it’s now Sunday. Since the occurrence I have been entirely distant. The incident in and of itself was innocent, that I am sure. I sent a naughty text message, telling him how much I wanted to suck on his lovely cock until he came and I smeared it on my lips. I giggled to myself, I was sure it’d inspire!

My arrival home was not 45 minutes later and I found him dead asleep. I know he didn’t even get the message. It was not really his fault but it left me completely frustrated and angry. I should not have been fully surprised, he was awake much earlier then normal that day and I could have guessed he would be tired. I put myself out there again and got nothing in return. UGH! AGAIN??????? Seriously? Again? ANOTHER try and ANOTHER fail? REALLY? This event likely shouldn’t count, poor bugger is mostly innocent, but it still hurt and it picked a scab on a wound that was already deep. If I hadn’t felt put out so many times in the past it would have been fine. I would have woken the next day ready to pounce him like a piece of man candy, a chunk of delicious flesh that was there just for me to enjoy and devour. However, something in me changed that night, something clicked and I have not been right since. I’ve just wanted space, time alone, distance and momentary separation.

That was literally the straw and now I’m a little broken. It prompted a chemical change within me that I could feel. I was instantly shut off. Still grasping with it, today has been better but the feelings returned again this evening. My inversion was due to that fact that I realize how emotional these instances make me. The rest of my life is wonderful and I resolved, at least for a while to reject the one thorn that induces my soul to plummet from wonderful to awful.

I’ve been mulling over and accepting the fact that he is damaged from his past, nothing huge and day to day everything is fine. I vowed to be patient because he is so great. One minor chip on otherwise mint china is still a good deal! My incentive is that he’ll see things are different from previous relationships and after a while, he’ll come around. Now I fear he has damaged me in the process. He saw the change and inquired. I wanted, at that moment to express just how tarnished and maimed I was, I wanted to tell him why…

I didn’t. I blew it off, I didn’t want to rag and nag at him again, create an issue again, spur a long, uncomfortable chat yet again. It would bring about a conversation that left me feeling stupid that I even thought it was an issue, all the while he coyly brushes it off and treats it as though I’m ridiculous. It could be innocent or intentional on his part, I’m not sure how much credit to give him. At that moment and even now I feel it’s useless to bring it up for I’m sure no change will come of it. I’ve tried it repeatedly before to no avail. Why burden him with the same bother when the end result will be no different than if I keep my mouth shut? I figure I will let on when I believe a solution is at hand.

I was disappointed in myself through this, as my reflections proved that I had failed. I fully conceived how much my emotional well being depended on him. He shouldn’t have the ability to shit on my entire day with a simple action. Make everything that inspired me, brought pride and enjoyment a moot point.

This is somewhat different from my feelings, which are certainly more than I show and more than he knows. I know how I feel about Mr. Sabi, but I have largely kept it hidden. In fact I’m sure he believes I’m a lot more removed than I actually am. I’m aware that I usually act dissident in spite of my feelings. I’d say it’s rather a Mexican stand-off. While his actions display that he cares I’ve yet to hear any verbal announcement of any feelings. This is where I believe his damage lies. I’ve only told one person about this verbal reclusion and they thought it was rather strange primarily because we’ve been together so long. I find it odd too, especially knowing my previous history with others. He breaks every mold though. At times I’m confident of how he feels but as time goes on, the mildly looming doubt I had before is growing like a cancerous bump within my throat. I dare not tell another, for I am quite ashamed of it. This is where my patience is tested and mostly I don’t mind. However when the aforementioned events happen I start to pool every little issue up into one solid lump. Day to day I hardly consider the fact that he hasn’t said how he feels or cares about me, normally that’s fine. At this time, it’s just one more ingredient to add in a stew of slowly simmering embitterment.

Now, I’ve thought many a time to express myself first, say what’s on my mind and what lies within my feelings. However, I absolutely, blatantly refuse to do this first. Given my track record with Sabi of failing in that which I normally soar above, I will not. I won’t, I won’t, I won’t. The risk is too great. The increased doubt about his emotional state ensures that even if my last breaths happened tomorrow I would not utter a thing about it unless I heard something from him. I’ve taken a lot of other initiatives within this relationship, it’s his turn damn it. I will bend in a lot of areas but this is one in which I will not budge on.

That is a small matter mostly right now, for I am just trying to settle into a balance. I’m struggling to find a place where I’ll be safe from his unwitting brutality on my emotions and confidence. I will find an equalized location so that Sir Sabi cannot crush my soul from the inside out. It won’t be easy for I know how much I have invested. If sanity is to remain I must do this. My largest fear is that I build resentment, for I’m sure if that seed is planted it will be an awful, horrible day. My resentment doesn’t diminish, it blooms like a poisonous flower, one that doesn’t wilt. Resentment would be the kiss of death, so protecting my interests is of utmost importance.

What has changed is that I’m a curious little bugger craving personal and sexual growth and the sex has been amazing! New things have been tried and done and I feel more comfortable talking about things and doing a lot. I will post more on that later. In this respect I’ve grown considerably as a once shy girl is finally accepting that it’s ok for a woman to want, need, desire and be proud of sex! It’s out there to be known and I won’t feel ashamed or apologize for it. This is actually quite a bit of growth which is a wonderful thing. Within the last month I realized this change, however it’s been under way for a while. I know I can be myself and not worry about being judged.

I may be forced even further out of my comfort zone in the name of growth. It will be good as no matter the result, I’ll have at least tried and will certainly have learned from it!