A lot happens in a year, gosh. I’ve done and seen so much and have learned a great deal too. I’ve realized that when it comes to specific things, I’m too sensitive. I’m a constant studier, a student of behavior and patterns and this is a boon and a curse. I’m not making excuses to accept that which I do not like and merely giving it a fancy label in the name of blame upon myself. It’s true, I’ve not had to deal with certain situations in my life and when they crop up, I handle it as well as a princess turned popper. This is not to imply a diva fit of sorts. It’s an emotional turmoil that sends me into a saddened spiral which is at times difficult to shake.
I’ve figured a lot out about Mr. Sabi and yet in some ways, he’s still a mystery. He, at times, feels our timing is off, I know it’s mainly me. In those times, I’m still reeling from some previous event and while I don’t blatantly express my disdain for the situation or how much I want to lurch the contents of my stomach and my soul into an abyss, it changes the way I act. I suppose I just put up the barricades and leap into self preservation mode. He just sees me as different, all the while, there’s a vast internal battle going on. After a while the emotions settle and I return to normal until it happens again. However, this is purely me, it’s my doing, part of it is self inflicted. I’m slowly learning how to handle it better, recover faster and mask the symptoms of a massive emotional pandemic. It’s certainly working! I’m getting much better at dealing with it quicker, perhaps it’s the great learning process of life. The more events I confront the better I become at confrontation.
We had a huge hiccup a while back, it was pretty extreme. It tore me apart, wrecked my sleep, sunk me into a grand depression, a deep sorrow swept over my entire being. It lingered, it was worse and colder than a Nordic winter. It nearly did us in. I didn’t care to be conscious, I didn’t care to work, all that I previously had interest in suddenly seemed unappealing. I wasn’t even comfortable in my own skin, had I a choice, I would have promptly peeled it off and stepped out of myself. It was true depression and I probably should have attempted to seek help for it. I tried to erase it from my brain, but as of yet, there is nothing like the trinket on Men In Black that can quickly and effectively clear your memory. I was left to handle a situation that I was completely new to. It raised a billion questions and other potential issues. I dare say, there is a lofty host of other things I’d have chosen to endure instead. It probably took a month, maybe more before I recovered. Thankfully I’m back to normal now, though, my eyes are a bit more open now.
It wouldn’t have hurt to much if I wasn’t so deeply invested. All this time we’ve been together, I would constantly tell myself that I could just up and walk away at the drop of a door mouse. I knew, as time went on, that I wouldn’t be able to but it became so apparent then and I hated that. I hated how much I cared for him and I was happy with ‘us’ I liked ‘us’ and felt I had invested quite a bit in us. It’s well over two years, so we’re beyond the emotionally simplistic point. Also in this year, I’ve seen a lot of good from him, times where he has opened up and said things I’d been wanting to hear from him for a very long time. I’d been beyond patient and I’m glad I he expressed that which he did for I was seriously starting to question our situation.
As of now I’d say we’re clear sailing and doing pretty darned well! We’re getting on great, the sex has been great and that will be the next few posts!
0 comments:
Post a Comment