Zade Unsated

Not So Hard Knock Life

2009-11-26T01:53:00.001-05:00

A lot happens in a year, gosh. I’ve done and seen so much and have learned a great deal too. I’ve realized that when it comes to specific things, I’m too sensitive. I’m a constant studier, a student of behavior and patterns and this is a boon and a curse. I’m not making excuses to accept that which I do not like and merely giving it a fancy label in the name of blame upon myself. It’s true, I’ve not had to deal with certain situations in my life and when they crop up, I handle it as well as a princess turned popper. This is not to imply a diva fit of sorts. It’s an emotional turmoil that sends me into a saddened spiral which is at times difficult to shake.

I’ve figured a lot out about Mr. Sabi and yet in some ways, he’s still a mystery. He, at times, feels our timing is off, I know it’s mainly me. In those times, I’m still reeling from some previous event and while I don’t blatantly express my disdain for the situation or how much I want to lurch the contents of my stomach and my soul into an abyss, it changes the way I act. I suppose I just put up the barricades and leap into self preservation mode. He just sees me as different, all the while, there’s a vast internal battle going on. After a while the emotions settle and I return to normal until it happens again. However, this is purely me, it’s my doing, part of it is self inflicted. I’m slowly learning how to handle it better, recover faster and mask the symptoms of a massive emotional pandemic. It’s certainly working! I’m getting much better at dealing with it quicker, perhaps it’s the great learning process of life. The more events I confront the better I become at confrontation.

We had a huge hiccup a while back, it was pretty extreme. It tore me apart, wrecked my sleep, sunk me into a grand depression, a deep sorrow swept over my entire being. It lingered, it was worse and colder than a Nordic winter. It nearly did us in. I didn’t care to be conscious, I didn’t care to work, all that I previously had interest in suddenly seemed unappealing. I wasn’t even comfortable in my own skin, had I a choice, I would have promptly peeled it off and stepped out of myself. It was true depression and I probably should have attempted to seek help for it. I tried to erase it from my brain, but as of yet, there is nothing like the trinket on Men In Black that can quickly and effectively clear your memory. I was left to handle a situation that I was completely new to. It raised a billion questions and other potential issues. I dare say, there is a lofty host of other things I’d have chosen to endure instead. It probably took a month, maybe more before I recovered. Thankfully I’m back to normal now, though, my eyes are a bit more open now.

It wouldn’t have hurt to much if I wasn’t so deeply invested. All this time we’ve been together, I would constantly tell myself that I could just up and walk away at the drop of a door mouse. I knew, as time went on, that I wouldn’t be able to but it became so apparent then and I hated that. I hated how much I cared for him and I was happy with ‘us’ I liked ‘us’ and felt I had invested quite a bit in us. It’s well over two years, so we’re beyond the emotionally simplistic point. Also in this year, I’ve seen a lot of good from him, times where he has opened up and said things I’d been wanting to hear from him for a very long time. I’d been beyond patient and I’m glad I he expressed that which he did for I was seriously starting to question our situation.

As of now I’d say we’re clear sailing and doing pretty darned well! We’re getting on great, the sex has been great and that will be the next few posts!

Up Up and Away - From Him

2008-08-31T03:52:00.002-04:00

Business, motivation and other factors have induced the hiatus. It has, since the last post, been quite a roller coaster, good and bad. Once/if readership grows I will make a point to post regularly but right now it’s not so important.

Change and consistency make up the previous months. Dear Zade is still Unsated. This blog allows me to concur that in some of the respects it’s a siren for a lack of progress. This is highly discouraging as I rather enjoy growing and improving over time. I’ll start with the negatives first then end on a better note to encourage an upward trend. Revisiting this certainly kicks me into third gear in wanting to fix this once and for all.

What hasn’t changed is that I still feel many of my advances for sex are pushed to the back burner or forgotten completely. My encouragements remain subtle though. Just when I feel more confident and I’m about to ramp up my actions, something happens, probably unintentional and I’m promptly knocked off my throne and into emotional mud. The last event happened perhaps Tues, it’s now Sunday. Since the occurrence I have been entirely distant. The incident in and of itself was innocent, that I am sure. I sent a naughty text message, telling him how much I wanted to suck on his lovely cock until he came and I smeared it on my lips. I giggled to myself, I was sure it’d inspire!

My arrival home was not 45 minutes later and I found him dead asleep. I know he didn’t even get the message. It was not really his fault but it left me completely frustrated and angry. I should not have been fully surprised, he was awake much earlier then normal that day and I could have guessed he would be tired. I put myself out there again and got nothing in return. UGH! AGAIN??????? Seriously? Again? ANOTHER try and ANOTHER fail? REALLY? This event likely shouldn’t count, poor bugger is mostly innocent, but it still hurt and it picked a scab on a wound that was already deep. If I hadn’t felt put out so many times in the past it would have been fine. I would have woken the next day ready to pounce him like a piece of man candy, a chunk of delicious flesh that was there just for me to enjoy and devour. However, something in me changed that night, something clicked and I have not been right since. I’ve just wanted space, time alone, distance and momentary separation.

That was literally the straw and now I’m a little broken. It prompted a chemical change within me that I could feel. I was instantly shut off. Still grasping with it, today has been better but the feelings returned again this evening. My inversion was due to that fact that I realize how emotional these instances make me. The rest of my life is wonderful and I resolved, at least for a while to reject the one thorn that induces my soul to plummet from wonderful to awful.

I’ve been mulling over and accepting the fact that he is damaged from his past, nothing huge and day to day everything is fine. I vowed to be patient because he is so great. One minor chip on otherwise mint china is still a good deal! My incentive is that he’ll see things are different from previous relationships and after a while, he’ll come around. Now I fear he has damaged me in the process. He saw the change and inquired. I wanted, at that moment to express just how tarnished and maimed I was, I wanted to tell him why…

I didn’t. I blew it off, I didn’t want to rag and nag at him again, create an issue again, spur a long, uncomfortable chat yet again. It would bring about a conversation that left me feeling stupid that I even thought it was an issue, all the while he coyly brushes it off and treats it as though I’m ridiculous. It could be innocent or intentional on his part, I’m not sure how much credit to give him. At that moment and even now I feel it’s useless to bring it up for I’m sure no change will come of it. I’ve tried it repeatedly before to no avail. Why burden him with the same bother when the end result will be no different than if I keep my mouth shut? I figure I will let on when I believe a solution is at hand.

I was disappointed in myself through this, as my reflections proved that I had failed. I fully conceived how much my emotional well being depended on him. He shouldn’t have the ability to shit on my entire day with a simple action. Make everything that inspired me, brought pride and enjoyment a moot point.

This is somewhat different from my feelings, which are certainly more than I show and more than he knows. I know how I feel about Mr. Sabi, but I have largely kept it hidden. In fact I’m sure he believes I’m a lot more removed than I actually am. I’m aware that I usually act dissident in spite of my feelings. I’d say it’s rather a Mexican stand-off. While his actions display that he cares I’ve yet to hear any verbal announcement of any feelings. This is where I believe his damage lies. I’ve only told one person about this verbal reclusion and they thought it was rather strange primarily because we’ve been together so long. I find it odd too, especially knowing my previous history with others. He breaks every mold though. At times I’m confident of how he feels but as time goes on, the mildly looming doubt I had before is growing like a cancerous bump within my throat. I dare not tell another, for I am quite ashamed of it. This is where my patience is tested and mostly I don’t mind. However when the aforementioned events happen I start to pool every little issue up into one solid lump. Day to day I hardly consider the fact that he hasn’t said how he feels or cares about me, normally that’s fine. At this time, it’s just one more ingredient to add in a stew of slowly simmering embitterment.

Now, I’ve thought many a time to express myself first, say what’s on my mind and what lies within my feelings. However, I absolutely, blatantly refuse to do this first. Given my track record with Sabi of failing in that which I normally soar above, I will not. I won’t, I won’t, I won’t. The risk is too great. The increased doubt about his emotional state ensures that even if my last breaths happened tomorrow I would not utter a thing about it unless I heard something from him. I’ve taken a lot of other initiatives within this relationship, it’s his turn damn it. I will bend in a lot of areas but this is one in which I will not budge on.

That is a small matter mostly right now, for I am just trying to settle into a balance. I’m struggling to find a place where I’ll be safe from his unwitting brutality on my emotions and confidence. I will find an equalized location so that Sir Sabi cannot crush my soul from the inside out. It won’t be easy for I know how much I have invested. If sanity is to remain I must do this. My largest fear is that I build resentment, for I’m sure if that seed is planted it will be an awful, horrible day. My resentment doesn’t diminish, it blooms like a poisonous flower, one that doesn’t wilt. Resentment would be the kiss of death, so protecting my interests is of utmost importance.

What has changed is that I’m a curious little bugger craving personal and sexual growth and the sex has been amazing! New things have been tried and done and I feel more comfortable talking about things and doing a lot. I will post more on that later. In this respect I’ve grown considerably as a once shy girl is finally accepting that it’s ok for a woman to want, need, desire and be proud of sex! It’s out there to be known and I won’t feel ashamed or apologize for it. This is actually quite a bit of growth which is a wonderful thing. Within the last month I realized this change, however it’s been under way for a while. I know I can be myself and not worry about being judged.

I may be forced even further out of my comfort zone in the name of growth. It will be good as no matter the result, I’ll have at least tried and will certainly have learned from it!

Decline

2007-11-29T02:38:00.000-05:00

Something just isn’t quite right. I brought it up a while ago, I’m not exactly buying into the reason I was given. Every relationship has its ups and downs. This one seems to be lasting a long time. It appears our sex life is dwindling.

This has me questioning everything. I hide my insecurities for the most part. This slump is bringing them up at a rapid pace. So much of my being is quite convinced that it’s me. Although I am not at all a big girl as you can see in the images to the right, I’m pretty positive that I am the biggest girl Mr. Sabi has ever dated. This sends waves of mild depression through me.

I wonder if I am not making enough of an effort. This is quite an adjustment for me as I am not used to being the aggressor. I am accustomed to frequent sexual advances made by the male partner. He’s not doing that much at all. I’d say we’re down to once or twice a week including what I start and/or encourage. Previously this would have been fine with me, or less even. Now and with him, it’s just not enough. My cravings and desire are for much more.

I get really discouraged. My attentions have never been refused, ignored or brushed off before. With Mr. Sabi I’m losing all of my slim found confidence. It takes me a while but when I do make the first attempt or suggestion I feel there’s about an 80% chance that I will get rejected. It’s a hard blow to my fragile state. It leaves me with a bitter taste and even more confused. So it takes me even longer to try the next time. The higher degree of subtly I use with each consecutive try is probably less likely to work, I am trying to protect myself. If I am refused then, it wasn’t much exertion so it doesn’t make it that bad right?

Some of my inner thoughts want me to believe that age has something to do with it. He is a bit older than me however I think it’s more him than his age. I know men much older than he is who are forever ready and willing to have sex seemingly all of the time.

This has caused a downward spiral. I want to explore more and turn into the sexual creature I know is lurking deep within. The feeling of rejection is just smothering it though, pushing it back into the depths it was once hiding. I also have to wonder if this is making him bored.

If he is bored, he should say something. This does not seem like an action he would take. So I am here wondering, concerned and confused. I’m trying to keep my spirits up and hope it will turn around. Pick myself up when I feel like I’m thrown to the ground. Did we just move too fast, too soon? The answer is elusive. For perhaps two months this has been going on. It’s not getting any better. I will bring it up again, however sure that I’ll just get the same answer/excuse I did last time.

It happened again tonight. He saw I was displeased by his rejection when he chose work over me, when asking him to sit down so that I may ‘molest’ him for 10 minutes. Work is fine, I want him to work. He is working with an easy deadline though and it wasn’t too much of a request. It was blatantly his desire to work rather than to get closer to me. As soon as he saw I wasn’t pleased and goodness I didn’t mean to let it show so much, he tried to make up for it by grabbing hold of me and saying he wanted to spend more then ten minutes. Alas I think he just wanted more then 600 seconds away from me. It's not easy to admit even on here. Maybe it's a taste of my own medicine from relationships past. This is a dreary conundrum.

Oh bother.

I figure I’ll just lock myself snug in the bedroom and use my little purple toy tonight. Or maybe I'll just go to sleep.

Orders

2007-11-29T01:41:00.000-05:00

I am happy to say that it has nothing to do with ordering a quad-bajuggle size anything from a fast food joint. Prince Alarming has a new nick name, I shall now refer to him as Sabi. My apologies in advance for changing it up and potentially confusing anyone. However I believe it's early enough on that I can pull it off.

So Mr. Sabi was away for a week on business. I'm perfectly happy and content with this, when he's gone I can get a lot done, I feel wonderful, in charge of everything that has to do with life and taking on chores and anything left undone. I probably even walk around a bit differently feeling somewhat like wonder-woman. I can do it all! Lovely that!

We talk a bit, probably not as much as we could while he's away but I'm fine with that as well. I am still very much my own person I will not wilt and wither away if I don't hear his voice sending vibrations through my ear each day.

During one of our chats we got into the usual "I wanna see you." ... "I want to do dirty, awful things to you." When suddenly, his words made my mind absolutely sing. Normally it wouldn't stand out. However this theme has been growing so much in my brain that it really took on a life of its own.

"When I get back home I want you wearing a skirt without any panties." and my reply? It was pretty rich, like, "Oh yeah?" trying to hide the smile in my voice. He confirms it and despite feeling all butterfly-tingling-school-girl-giddy, I play it off like a cool cucumber, "Oh really, well, we'll see!" I said as every cell in my body screamed, "Yes! Of course!" Don't ask me why I acted so chill about it. I suppose most of me doesn't want him to see that I'm so easy to control when it comes to sex.

This is the first time I've gotten such 'orders' over the phone. I'm quite positive it wasn't such a big deal to him, in fact I bet Mr. Sabi has forgotten about it already. I will remember it for a very long time though. It was the turning point, the moment when he could have asked me for anything and I would have done it with a smile!

Want

2007-10-15T01:45:00.000-04:00

I can be an opinionated, strong personality. He can easily overcome that though. But he can’t ask for it. I want him to possess me, to obtain that presence, that heir that just instantly conveys that he’s in charge. It will have to be in his look, his posture, his actions. Slow, purposeful, skilled, intentioned.

I want him to grab me and manipulate me, I want him to tease me. To slide his fingers over my skin, between my legs, against my wet pussy, I want him to move his hand randomly around and make me wonder if he’s going to sink his fingers deep in my hot cunt or if he’ll move on to my stomach or breasts. I want him to do that a few times before he finally dives his digits in my tight hole. Just enough for it to feel amazing before he stops and sucks on my nipples.

I want to hear it in his ragged breath, to hear a low noise escape his mouth, to see in his eyes and his actions how much he wants me, yet is holding back. I want to feel his action stagger for a moment now and again because his desire is taking over his concentration before he regains himself and continues on as he was before. That he’s straining to maintain. I want to know that he’s terribly turned on, that he’s incredibly hard and his desire is through the roof but controlled enough to hold off until he can get me into a frenzy, begging for him to give me a stiff fucking with his engorged cock.

That is probably the most erotic idea to me right now where the man is so charged up but is restrained enough to work the woman into a highly excited state. That he enjoys the process of watching her transform from mild and normal to highly aroused and willing to do anything to feel him inside her. Willing to ask, plead, beg, grab, suck, rub. That built up need in both partners is so awesome. In my head there are two different endings. Either he finally decides to give in to her when he is confident that in those moments, he owns her. Or he finally snaps; that the sights and sounds and sensations coming from her are too much and he too is in such a state that he must take her NOW.

I guess it’d give me full permission to be his little slut. If he’s finessing it out of me. Encouraging it even.

That’s what I want.

My Little Secret

2007-10-15T00:57:00.001-04:00

I haven’t told Prince Alarming about this blog. Since it is fairly new, a bit like our relationship. I feel that I can be a bit more open on here right now. My feelings for him run so deep, we share these moments that are just pure bliss, all cuddly and sentimental, which gives me such a feeling of content. We have moments that are hot and steamy, they make me boil and send pleasure straight to my core.

We’re still working much out, I seem to have sunk a bit into my old comfortable self, which is why I made a point to post more actively on here as it gives me a bit of courage and I’m starting to come out of my shell again. I must constantly push at that boundary for now until it comes more naturally. This is purely from my own desire to do so. I want to blossom and grow and find out all about me and us. I know I have a lot of wants and desires that I have yet to express to anyone. That’s a great idea for my next posting actually.

I also have yet to tell him how I so enjoy masturbating while reading erotic stories. Not any crap from a romance novel, oh no, I love reading a lot about, well, a lot about submissives' or doms' blogs. Stories with an edge to them.

I may in the future show him or tell him about it, but for now it will remain secluded!

The Look Of Lust Is In Your Eyes

2007-10-13T23:54:00.000-04:00

So much is contained within the eyes. That is largely what brought us together, apart from a bold move on my part. I was so forward with him, more than with anyone else, ever. The way we look at each other has always seemed to pull us in, closer. I know I throw some looks at him. I cannot speak much of them as I’d be describing them from his point of view. However it really triggers so much when he looks at me as though he wants to possess me, devour me even.

Those carnal glances carry over to when we’re playing around, it certainly adds a level. One specific time I remember was when we were in the hotel due to his work, we had some people over, they were drinking and having a general party as is the norm. We kept connecting though, with looks and touches, it was getting to him, more than it was getting to me. Finally we went into the bathroom in the hotel. Damn anyone who was there! He lifted me up on the counter, I propped my heels up on the edge with my knees up in the air. He pulled my panties to the side as he kissed me. There was such a want and need in his kiss, that just made me crave him even more.

It worked to prepare me for him sliding his fingers deep into me, I gasped at the wonderful sensation. Such force, he pushed and rubbed at my G-spot with his digits, working so fast. I couldn’t keep quiet, he was pressing me in all the right ways. Knowing full well that people were right outside the door, I really didn’t care. So came the comments about how tight I feel over and over again. I could tell it worked him up into a frenzy, I could hear it in his voice, in his strained breathing. He kept increasing the pressure as I increased my noises until I felt the fluid rushing out of me, until I was sitting in a puddle. That just served to spur him on as he kept his finger moving so quickly against my inner wall to encourage more fluid out. It worked and I started to wonder if I was going to slide off the counter.Damn!

After we wiped off the counter, I pulled my skirt down and we went back out to be social and continue on with the after party.

Since that day we still give each other those looks and he became quite preoccupied with making me ‘gush’ and that I do.

Drowsy

2007-10-13T23:53:00.000-04:00

He is amazing! We spent some great quality time together over the week neither of us had much going on business wise. I was still feeling him out, at times he seemed either here or there, close or slightly disconnected. However, I think he’s more attached than my cautious self. Like the night I crashed out on the couch. I’m such a heavy sleeper, it’s actually quite ridiculous, so his attempts to wake me had little effect. He was trying off and on for hours. Finally around 10:30 in the morning I came to enough to get up with more of his prodding. He dragged me upstairs for more sleep. It was only later that I found out that he stayed up that long because he didn’t want to go to bed alone. Coming from him; that meant so much!

He’s yet to do that again, but it made my heart smile a little.

The Upside

2007-10-13T01:37:00.000-04:00

My dear Prince Alarming and I got into it pretty quick, he had to pack and leave for business, was already running late. We were feeling pretty greedy. It’s great how much he likes to change up the positions. We ended up on the floor after he was done bending me over the arm of the couch with my ass up in the air on display for his viewing pleasure. His shape is just amazing! Even with the passing months I’m still in awe, I can’t get enough. He feels so good. Oh, hmm I got sidetracked!

Since time was short he finished quickly with my urging and encouragement. I however did not. Once he had left I was still feeling really good and turned on, so I lied down and let my hands travel down, with just my fingers, rub, rub, rubbing away… All the while fixating on what I noticed when we were sliding against each other just minutes before. It was so seemingly simple yet it was so hot, it triggered that spot in my brain that just gets you going. Bliatz once referred to it as the “Mind Clit.”

That flashback of how wonderful his hips look, even from just one side with part of his ass visible, the way he moves is what pushes that image over the edge. On it’s own it may not be so hot, but seeing how fluid and complex his actions are. The clear and evident skill in the way he pushes and thrusts inside me. How he finds just the perfect angles that send pleasure through my entire being. It’s so erotic. That’s all I needed! That was the fastest orgasm I’ve ever had. It was awesome!

The Pressure

2007-10-13T00:59:00.000-04:00

I have been keeping written accounts of events but I’ve nary had the time to actually formulate and post them, until tonight. So here they are, this one is slightly a mish mosh.

As mentioned in the first post, I am generally shy in some respects when it comes to sex. I firmly believe most of us have some fears, worries and doubts that nag at us. I know mostly what I’m shy about. It stems from a fear of being judged by my partner. Some of them are rather silly because they are so normal, especially by our standards today. I am working on getting over them. Mainly it stems around women finding their own pleasure, with or without a partner.

My mind tends to worry and travel, it just goes and goes, which makes it hard to just be in the moment sometimes. This is also much to my frustration because it means orgasms take quite a while. Usually it’s quicker when I’m alone but that seems to be changing.

I will call him Prince Alarming for now, there’s a personal history behind that name, but it will work until he gets a better nick name. I get terribly close with him. He gets me so close so fast and just when I think it may happen it fades, this is frustrating still but it gives me hope that I will get there repeatedly with him later. Currently I feel pressure to cum with him. As I feel it building, my mind starts to focus on it and I get into a bad cycle, wondering if it will happen, I start a line of thoughts, “Will it happen? Is it going to this time? Is it going to fade away? How soon? What’s taking so long?” that I know is not at all good for it. It does push it away.

I’m starting to focus on not caring so much, I’m working on staying more in the moment. However in his eagerness he has made things a bit worse. He wants to please me and feels that he has failed because it’s not happening. I told him we’ll work on it and that he shouldn’t make an issue of it. I smiled and turned it into a good thing, that we just have to practice more. The first time he mentioned it, it really increased the urgency. He brought it up again and I assured him the same however I don’t care as much. Which is good as this means that although I know he wants it to happen, I won’t be worrying and dwelling on him waiting for me to ‘perform.’

This must all sound like a mess to those who find it easy. I have a great idea of what I need to start doing which is good as I’m actively getting better and trying. I’m certainly open to advice, I warmly welcome it in fact!

New Beginnings

2007-09-09T05:20:00.000-04:00

After we were “official” we still waited a while, not for a lack of want, goodness no! We fooled around a lot before we had sex, it was quite amazing really. Our hands would roam, touching and learning all about our future lover’s bodies. There is always something special about that time. I’m mindful of it, as wonderful as the pleasure of the actual act is, that early period is one I treasure. You will never be able to relive those firsts. I enjoy the anticipation, the build up, the desire for that which is still unknown with that lover. I suppose I can’t stress how much I cherish that. It’s hard to define, perhaps you understand it well.

The time we spent together before we had sex was full of lust. He made it quite clear how much he wanted to, frequently, after his fingers dove down and then up into me. Wow, did he work with the tact of a skilled lover! I thought it fantastic and he couldn’t get over it, many a day he spent talking about how good I'd feel, because I "have the tightest pussy!" or that I’m ”Impossibly tight!” he said it often, he was consumed by that. Seemingly more entranced with each session we had. He talked a lot and I loved it, I still do. This gave me an enormous boost, for he has been with so many. This is not him bragging, it's simple fact because of his occupation. I wanted him too, I desired him more than I've wanted anyone, still, I was in no rush.

We'd have sessions where we'd get so worked up together into a delicious frenzy, a finger or two of his, crammed deliciously inside me, moving at a furious pace, at times I felt like a musical instrument being toyed and played with. I enjoyed that idea, I encouraged it. I teased him and fed into his reactions. His want and lust, oh what a rush!

The weekend we finally decided to was one I’ll never forget, he was hooked and I could not get over so many aspects about him. It blew my mind! I have never fancied the actual shape of a penis until I felt his, he is extraordinary, built precisely to please, oh and he does! I so enjoyed all of his many sides, the tenderness and the animal, I almost didn’t know how to handle it all, I was flooded with thoughts and such pleasing feelings. From mid Saturday until Sunday or so, we seemed to spend little time in between sessions, six times over those hours that formed perhaps one whole day. I was certainly sore after and I’m sure he was too. Personally I expanded a lot, I just let it all flow and was game for almost anything. I didn’t want there to be any road blocks. I did not want to be the one to inhibit anything. I stuck to it and while it was all mellow as we were so new to each other, I was happy to have released that side of me. I was able to just enjoy him and us, moving and pushing, feeling, breathing, pressing, warming, wanting…. How awesome, I was also proud of myself for the growth.

I knew at later dates I’d be tested more, at least I had time to prepare myself, to be ready and willing. To let go of the stubborn, often shy, ‘uber-vanilla’ girl I can be.

Ahh! New beginnings! How yummy!

So It Is

2007-08-15T08:01:00.000-04:00

Firstly, I am a young (23) petite female. This is about my current journey that is now in full swing and has been in the making for years. To find and explore my sexual self. So I may seek out the full potential, to dare and go beyond my normal comfort zone. That icky normalcy that is so easy to slip into and stay in, because at the time it was easier to stick to that safe, boring side then to be bold and admit that which society has rejected. That I am a sexual creature with wants and needs. Getting to that point, to confess that, accept that openly, has taken a while. I have known for a long time that I have not so ‘vanilla’ tendencies, how much and where it goes I have yet to sort out. I’ve been pretty certain that I’m a sub, while I have had a few mind blowing moments, I have not unearthed it fully.

After a long dull marriage I have a new, amazing, tall, hot, blue eyed, spicy, somewhat older man in my life. We’ve yet to find the groove of the relationship as it’s so new, but you can feel the chemistry from across the room. It’s almost visible, it’s animal, it drives us nuts! This is what has been missing from my life. He is the full package, has his head on his shoulders, he’s driven, finds the fun in most things, he’s kind, he knows how to treat people. Even when he’s stressed or upset he still stays down to earth, doesn’t get loud or angry, this is a huge asset in my eyes, it says so much about him.

He has a kink to him as well and he talks about various things, in our texting back and forth he can quite easily make my jaw drop. This is fantastic. We’ve yet to carry much of it over to when we’re actually together but it gets better each time.

I am excited and cautious, I do not know where this will lead, he’s aware of this too and rather eager. I’ve been terribly frank with him and I refuse to be otherwise. I think this is a great thing. I want to continue at this pace, this blog will encourage me more.

Let’s Begin!

-Zade